


Raising Human Offspring: A Log

by Supreme_Leader_Snoke



Series: Scientific Reports [2]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Gen, Just Add Kittens, Snoke Does Not Understand Human Biology
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-18
Updated: 2017-06-18
Packaged: 2018-11-15 09:23:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11228055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Supreme_Leader_Snoke/pseuds/Supreme_Leader_Snoke
Summary: An informal record of raising a juvenile human.





	Raising Human Offspring: A Log

After a great deal of time spent in their cohabitation chamber it seems that experimental subjects Kylo Ren and General Armitage Hux have experienced a shift in their behaviour. I believe this may indicate that fertilisation has occurred and the pair shall soon be with young. I shall have to monitor them carefully to confirm. To that end, I shall record all interactions in a series of informal logs to document my findings.

       
**Log 1:**   
Today the subjects requested an audience with me. General physical signs indicated their nervousness. I was pleased to note however, that they were holding hands whilst addressing my hologram. After some discussion between the pair Kylo Ren announced that they will soon have an offspring for me to raise.   


  **Notes:** I believe I successfully controlled my enthusiasm for this development and waited until the subjects had left before informing BFF Phasma. I will admit I am extremely excited for my very own human.

  _Additional:_ Phasma has informed me that she will assist with anything I may need whilst raising the youngling, truly I could not ask for a better BFF.

       
**Log 2:**   
It has been confirmed that the subjects have successfully provided me with a new apprentice. They insist on having a few months with the offspring which I presume is a bonding matter. I am happy to wait.   


    

  **Notes:** In the meantime I shall begin construction of an appropriate training and living area for the spawn.

       
**Log 3:**   
This is merely a supplemental log to express my excitement, the subjects will arrive tomorrow to transfer custody of the youngling to me.   


    

       
**Log 4:**   
After disembarking at the Citadel, the subjects brought with them a large basket containing their offspring. I had mentioned my conclusion from the last experiment and offered to visit in order to monitor progress instead of separating it from its parents but the subjects insisted that I should be the one to raise the juvenile human.   


    

       
**Log 5:**   
Initial introductions seemed to go well. The offspring bears a great resemblance to General Hux, to the point where their plumage is of a near identical shade. It is still in the quadrupedal stage of development although shows the ability to balance on its hind legs should something attract its attention. I do not know at which point it will shed its baby fur and tail, however I have prepared a lodging for it and hope that it will be a suitable apprentice.   


    

  **Notes:** The subjects seemed extremely pleased with my reaction to the offspring and mentioned that it will require plenty of attention. They asked that I update them with any progress and if I have questions about how to care for it.

  _Additional:_ I have been made aware that human younglings generally have names. However the parents did not inform me of this spawn’s designation, therefore I will have to assign it a name myself.

       
**Log 6:**   
The offspring (hereafter designated Supreme Apprentice Starkiller Youngling aka ‘Sassy’) is far more in tune with the Dark side than I could have hoped. He is truly a vicious creature possessing sharp canines and retractable claws that are not present in adult humans. I can only presume these are utilised in the execution of the rest of their litter before metamorphosing into adult form.   


    

  _Additional:_ After some research, it appears that Sassy consumes only flesh.

       
**Log 7:**   
Unfortunately it seems that I was unable to breed out Kylo Ren’s destructive nature. Sassy has shredded several of my best robes, obviously in a demonstration of his power. I will admit that I am impressed. He has also urinated in my shoe despite being provided with a fresher of his own.   


    

  **Notes:** After a visit from BFF Phasma, she has informed me that younglings have a different approach to hygiene than adult humans. Sassy will happily groom himself, however I am expected to deal with his emissions. Phasma has provided an ash tray similar to that in Kylo Ren’s chambers.

  _Additional:_ This seems to imply that Kylo Ren still continues his juvenile habits; the excessive grooming _would_ explain the luxurious quality of his fur.

       
**Log 8:**   
It has now been several weeks since Sassy arrived at the Citadel yet he still shows no inclination to converse with me. I enquire as to his health several times a day to no avail. I am not sure at which point humans develop verbal skills but I do hope it is soon.   


    

       **Log 9:** Truly this offspring is filled with Dark Side potential. Last night he somehow managed to make his way into my quarters whilst I rested and attempted to smother me with his own body. When confronted, Sassy spoke to me for the first time since arriving. It seems that juvenile humans speak a odd dialect of Basic which consists mainly of high pitched vocalisations.

    

  **Notes:** These vocalisations ceased when Sassy was provided with sustenance, in this case, goober fish.

       
**Log 10:**   
Sassy’s agility continues to grow, he is now capable of feats far beyond those of adult humans. Although he is still in quadruped stage he can jump several times his own height and seems filled with an excess of energy. This manifests in short bursts of extended running and vocalisations followed by a period of extreme rest. Sassy is almost impossible to wake during this stage and seems to shift to a near liquid form. I hope he will stay in this state for a while as there is a strange noise within the Citadel that must be investigated.   


    

  _Additional:_ After presuming the rumble I heard was a fault inside the Citadel, I was startled to discover the sound emanating from Sassy. When he was nudged, the rumble only increased. I am extremely concerned that this is some internal disease and have requested Phasma’s assistance as soon as possible.

       **Log 11:** Relief! Phasma has ensured me that Sassy is in no danger, the rumble is simply a noise he makes when content. I must admit I did not expect to find an apprentice who so enjoyed my company. 

    

 This will make his inevitable betrayal all the harder.

  **Notes:** Phasma has also informed me that offspring at this stage appreciate gentle physical affection and encouraged me to scratch Sassy under the chin. He responded by bumping my hand with his head, apparently this is a good sign.

       
**Log 12:**   
It seems that Sassy has already surpassed his father, his eyes are now completely yellow, a sure sign that the Dark Side flows through him. He has also begun shedding his canines, something I noticed when he bit me on the hand. I am proud that my apprentice is always so eager to fight.   


       
**Log 13:**   
I believe I am starting to understand Sassy’s dialect. His vocalisations change depending on his needs. The most common is the call for food. It appears that the middle of the night is his optimum time for verbal communication and he is developing a preference for a nocturnal activity cycle. Sassy also seems to be a most loyal apprentice and appears to enjoy sitting by my side as I write up my most recent research. On occasion, he will sit _on_ my research instead, this is an indication he desires attention.   


    

       
**Log 14:**   
Subjects Kylo Ren and Armitage Hux visited the Citadel today on Order business. When I greeted them they seemed most shocked to find Sassy sitting on the arm of my throne. They were most enquiring about his health and general behaviour, I informed them that all was well and that as soon as Sassy grows thumbs, I shall provide him with the materials to build his first lightsaber. This seemed to elicit a reaction in Kylo Ren that was quickly quashed by his mate. I believe he may feel threatened by his son’s accelerated mastery of the Dark Side.    


    

  _Additional:_ Sassy’s rage is clearly growing, he attempted to slash at both of his parents on a number of occasions. In his defence, I did warn them that he dislikes his belly being rubbed.

       
**Log 15:**   
I believe Sassy is making a bid for power. Recently he has taken to sitting on my lap whilst on my throne. This may be an indication of his future plans to usurp me.   


    

       
**Log 16:**   
Today I was startled to discover a small clump of Sassy’s plumage in the middle of the citadel. Either he has begun his metamorphosis into a full adult human or he is attempting a crude form of parthenogenesis. Further observation is needed.   


    

  **Notes:** Another clump found in my shoe. Unfortunately it was not discovered until my foot was already in there. I feel Sassy’s evil is growing. I am proud.

       
**Log 17:**   
Sassy seems to have developed a hatred of the mouse droids in the Citadel. He will spend several hours stalking them around the ship and attacking at random intervals. So far he has not succeeded in destroying any. I find myself wondering if there is a reason for this behaviour or if it is simply practice for later battles.   


    

  _Additional:_ Not long after writing my most recent log, I was startled by a metallic screeching. It seems Sassy was successful in his endeavours and brought me the disabled mouse droid as a trophy. 

       
**Log 18:**   
It seems that I have been greatly remiss in overlooking Sassy’s mental abilities and it has cost me dearly. He has taken my throne. When I prepared to move him I was struck by a terrible pain in my chest and could not summon the strength to disturb him from his slumber.    


    

  **Notes:** I am certain Sassy will initiate a coup when I least expect it. The Force is indeed strong with this one for I cannot bear to kill him. I have been weak, compassion has blinded me.

       
**Log 19:**   
I fear I am becoming paranoid. I see Sassy in every shadow and know that my time will soon come. Truly he has been a wonderful apprentice. He has shown a greater capacity for mind control than I had ever deemed possible in a juvenile human. Despite his incomplete training I feel he will make a suitable leader for the Order. His fathers shall have to watch their backs.   


    

  _Additional:_ I have made provisions to ensure that my BFF Phasma shall not go wanting. I feel the bequeathment of the Citadel is suitable for her given the invaluable assistance she has provided throughout my research.

       
**Log 20:**   
A surprising turn of events. Today Sassy left the throne unattended. I took it back from him, anticipating a fierce battle for control. Instead he chose to settle on the arm before moving to rest atop my legs. I am unsure if this is a display of dominance or an attempt to establish a form of co-rulership. In any case I have accepted. I know now that with an apprentice such as Sassy it is only a matter of time before the Galaxy will bow.   


    


End file.
